gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
