Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
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