So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
