It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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