Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
