**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize