I think my fart just growled at me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
