chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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