Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
