If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
