I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
