Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize