I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
worst night to have a conscience
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize
