Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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