I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i want to swaddle you in tequila
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
