This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
