the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
