I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My penis needs a shock collar
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
