Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
