Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
