Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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