If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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