I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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