i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i think i just lost a toe
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