once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
