Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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