I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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