I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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