Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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