i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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