My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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