What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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