just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
