She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize