So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
