I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
