I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
