Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
