She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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