i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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