Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
