There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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