So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
