My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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