i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
