he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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