Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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