i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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