Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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