i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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