my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
