She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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