I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize