I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dicks are not precious.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
