dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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