You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I could make wine with my vomit
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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