it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
