You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
