Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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