It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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