Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize