it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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