Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
