Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
