I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
