I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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