He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
